Though I Walk Through the Valley
by pyps
Summary: "You aren't dead, not yet at least." "So I'm going to die?" "That all depends." "On what?" "On where you go from here."
1. Chapter 1

**The Beach**

He felt the heat from the sun on his face, the rays beating down on him only to be replaced by the coolness of a breeze coming off the ocean. The smell of the water reached him and he breathed it in. He listened to the waves as they washed up on shore. He wiggled his toes in the sand, feeling each grain as it rubbed against his skin. Finally he opened his eyes.

He was standing on a beach somewhere. It was a beautiful sight—the water moving along, the sun above giving light to everything around him—but why was he here? How did he get here? What was going on?

His feet felt cold as the salt water washed up over them. He looked down and saw that a starfish had been washed up on the shore. He picked it up, looked it over a moment, and then tossed it back into the water. To his surprise another starfish came up on the shore. He stared at it a moment in confusion, picked it up, and threw it back in with the first one. Seconds passed and there was another starfish. He sighed and picked it up, looking it over. It was then he realized it was the same starfish.

"What the...?" Had he not thrown it far enough or something? He threw it again, this time watching it fly through the air and land in the water some distance away. There, that should keep it off the beach. He was wrong though, which he discovered less than a minute later.

_Strange,_ he thought. He picked up the starfish once more and looked at it closely. It was just a normal starfish, nothing out of the ordinary. So then why...?

_Knock it off Tim,_ something told him. _Just enjoy the view._

But there was something, something important that he was missing.

He looked around trying to find some kind of sign or clue that would lead him to the answers he was looking for. The ocean was void of any boats or swimmers, there were no abandoned towels or other beach ware on the sand, not even a single footprint, with the exception of his own. There was no sign of life anywhere. He was completely alone.

_That's weird, _he thought. _A beautiful day like this, there's bound to be tons of people here._

Under normal circumstances he would have been happy for the solitude. It would give him a chance to think, to delve deep into whatever he wanted, maybe get some writing done, but his gut was telling him that something was off. If there was one thing he'd learned from working with Gibbs it was to go with his gut. So, despite his desire to just enjoy the beauty around him and soak up some sun, he decided to go for a walk along the water. Maybe he'd find something that could help him out.

As he walked down the beach he took in his attire. He was barefoot, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white v-neck shirt. He looked behind him, wondering if he'd left his shoes behind but he couldn't see them anywhere. He hoped he didn't need them. As much as he liked walking around without his shoes he might end up in a situation where the lack of protection on his feet would be a hindrance. Something else he'd picked up from his time at NCIS: be prepared for any situation.

After what seemed like a good hour of walking, Tim began to think that the beach was never going to end. He looked behind him again and realized that it looked just as empty and unending as what was in front of him. Maybe he should try walking away from the water. However as he started to step away from the ocean he felt his heart drop into his stomach. Something was wrong and it wasn't just the state he was in. He went to go for his gun but found that he didn't have it with him. The thought that he might be in a dangerous situation and he didn't have any means of protecting himself made his heart race.

_It's okay Tim, just calm down_._ There's got to be a reasonable explanation for what's going on you just have to figure it out. You can do this._

Tim stood up to his full height, and, feeling like a little kid that was just dared to go into an old house his friends said was haunted, took a step away from the water. The feeling in his stomach didn't seem to let up but he ignored it, using what will power he had to keep going. The sand beneath him began to climb after a few feet and something inside of him screamed to stop, to turn around and go back to the water, but he didn't listen. In fact, the fear of what he might find in this direction made him all the more determined to go.

He reached the top of the dune and found a sea of green. Wind was blowing across the knee high grass and just like the beach there wasn't a person in sight. Tim turned to look back behind him. The dune he had just climbed wasn't all that big, which surprised him because he could have sworn it was. His heart was still pounding with the exertion of climbing, but his stomach didn't seem to be as bothersome as it was before.

Now that he had a better view of everything, Tim took in the ocean before him. The water seemed perfectly still, so much that Tim felt a chill down his spine. That wasn't right, it should be moving. Even if there was no wind at all, some kind of movement had to be there. But no, it was as still as a stationary glass of water.

He suddenly felt rather tired. He checked to make sure there were no immediate threats, and then, somewhat hesitantly, he curled up in the grass and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Prairie**

Tim wasn't sure how long he was asleep, but when he woke up the sun was no longer directly above him. It had moved towards the ocean. He guessed it was mid afternoon, which meant he had probably been able to manage a couple of hours of sleep. He thought about just lying there and sleeping for another few hours, but he knew it wouldn't do him much good. He still had some questions he needed answered and the only way to do that was to get up and keep looking for them.

He brushed off the dirt that stuck to his clothes and then stretched. He wasn't sure where to begin. He was still the only one present and there were no buildings in sight. He wished there was something, some kind of an indicator where he should go.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a skinny path through the grass beside him. His brows furrowed together as he stared at it. He was certain it hadn't been there a moment ago. He looked around again but when nothing else came into view he decided to follow the trail, hoping that he might get lucky and find something along the way.

Tim traveled further and further from the ocean. Soon there was no sign of it behind him and he felt that he was making some progress. The grass began to shift from green to purples, yellows, reds, and oranges. He was in the middle of a field of wildflowers. He smiled at the beauty, awed by how subtle the change had been. He hadn't even noticed the flowers until there were so many of them they were impossible to miss. They varied in more than just color. There were bluebells, columbines, indian paintbrush, poppy, marigolds, forget-me-nots, morning glory, lilac, and many more that Tim didn't recognize. He thought it strange that so many different species of flowers could be present in the same location.

A breeze picked up and he shivered. He realized that it was getting later, probably early evening, and he still wasn't any closer to getting answers than he was to begin with. He continued along the trail, still hoping that it actually led somewhere.

Before long the field of wildflowers had disappeared and it was nothing but grass again. He heard critters running about though he never saw them, and above him there were a few birds flying around. Something told him to stop searching and just enjoy the beauty and majesty surrounding him but he knew he couldn't do that. As much as he wanted to just forget everything and drink in his surroundings he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and as time passed the feeling became more and more prominent.

The dirt beneath his bare feet gradually changed. It was no longer the soft, mud-like substance but rather it felt more grainy, like he was walking through table salt.

_Or sand..._

In the blink of an eye the prairie was gone and Tim found himself back at the beach where he had started, only the sun wasn't high in the sky anymore. The water washed up over his dirty feet, making them colder than they already were, and right where he left it was the star fish.

_No,_ he told himself. _This isn't happening. _He turned around and saw the same dune he had climbed just hours before. He hurried over to it, hoping beyond hope that when he reached top there would be some kind of indication that whatever had just happened had all been in his head, that he had just imagined the whole thing. Of course, he was having a hard time convincing himself of that fact, seeing as how the experience had seemed very real and it was obvious a considerable amount of time had already passed. When he reached the top he found the prairie, exactly like he had seen it before.

Once more his heart raced. He was going crazy, that was the only explanation he could come up with.

There was a sound behind him and Tim went to pull the gun he already knew wasn't there. _Stupid reflexes,_ he thought to himself. He turned around, praying that whatever it was was friendly, or at least small enough the he had a chance to outrun it. What he found was friendly, but not what he had expected.

"Hello Tim."

Tim stared in shock, not wanting to believe what he was seeing.

"Has it really been so long that you don't remember me? It's only been a few years."

He couldn't speak, as much as he wanted to. The shock was still too much.

"Hello? Earth to Tim? You in there?"

Finally Tim was able to utter a single word.

"Kate."

The dark haired woman smiled at him, a sight he had long since forgotten.

"You had me worried there for a minute," she said stepping towards him. "I mean, we only knew each other for what, a year and a half before I died? But still, I thought I made a good enough impression to be remembered."

"You did," Tim corrected her, not wanting to hurt her feelings.

She just continued to smile. "I know Tim, or else I wouldn't be here."

Here...

"Where are we?" Tim asked. He knew this was all insane, particularly after everything that had just happened and now seeing Kate, but if there was any chance he could get some answers he was going to get it.

"It's kind of complicated, but you could say we're in your mind. Sort of."

"My mind? Sort of? Kate, what's going on? How did I get here? Where's everyone else?"

Kate tilted her head to the side, curious by his questions.

"You mean, you don't remember?"

Tim stared at her, uncertain of what she was talking about. There was something there...in the back of his mind...

_They were chasing a man that had murdered a naval officer. He was holed up in an old abandoned warehouse and they had been lucky to find him. The case had been on the verge of being __added to the already large stack of unsolved cases when somebody finally came out and gave them the biggest break in the case they could have ever asked for. The name and location of the man responsible. _

_ The team had checked and double checked everything and found that the man, Joseph Mullen, was in fact who they were looking for. They surrounded the warehouse but hadn't expected the handful of men Mullen had to protect himself. Gibbs' team was able to infiltrate the building and then corner Mullen. At least, they thought they had cornered him. Mullen had set up his own escape route from the building; a trap door that dropped him onto an inflatable landing pad. What Mullen hadn't accounted for was the fact that he had cut the trap door rather big, and anyone standing close enough to him would drop down with him. Unfortunately for Tim, he had been too close. _

_ At first Tim thought his body was going to splat on the floor below them. He was surprised when he landed on the ILP and less than pleased with the wind being knocked out of him. Before he could gather his senses again Mullen was there. Tim went to point his gun at him and realized that he had lost it after landing. He looked around frantically, hoping to locate it before Mullen did. But the other man wasn't interested in the gun, not yet at least. He grabbed Tim's jacket and threw his fist into the side of his face. _

_ Pain radiated from the point of impact all through the left side of Tim's face. Mullen hit him again and Tim thought he felt something break. Before Mullen could get another punch in Tim grabbed his arm and began fighting back, throwing his own punches, two of which hit their intended target. _

_ The third attempt however was caught by Mullen who then proceeded to twist Tim's arm. With the Agent's left hand incapacitated, Mullen kidney punched him. Pain shot through Tim's back and he tried not to cry out too much. He knew Gibbs and the others weren't too far away, they had to have seen him fall and if nothing else they were at least on their way down the stairs._

_ Tim somehow managed to get his arm loose from Mullen's grip and that's when he spotted his gun. He kicked Mullen in the stomach and while he was distracted Tim made his way over to his firearm. He just had his fingers wrapped around it when Mullen caught him. The two men struggled over control of the gun. Out of the corner of his eye Tim saw his team enter the room their guns raised. There was a series of shots, some closer than others, and then Mullen's grip on Tim's gun loosed. Tim pointed it at Mullen as the man fell dead. _

_ Tim's head swam as his vision began to blur and do funny things. He shook his head, a less than intelligent idea since he was still suffering from Mullen's previous blows. He shifted his position a little so as to get a better bearing on the unsteady surface beneath his feet and was met with a sharp burning pain that originated in his right abdomen and then circulated up into his chest and down to his hip. The pain was so excruciating that Tim fell to his knees, dropping his gun. _

_ He placed his hand where the pain was worst. He paused and then pulled his hand back knowing full well what the sticky substance he felt on his shirt was. The ILP moved as someone climbed onto it and made their way over to him. The edges of his vision started to go black as Gibbs' face came into view. He was yelling at him but Tim couldn't hear what he was saying. It didn't take long for the blackness to overcome him._

That's when he had felt the sun on his face, heard the ocean lapping against the beach. He felt his stomach churning as the realization of what happened came to him.

"I'm dead," he said incredulously.


	3. Chapter 3

**The House**

"I'm dead."

"Mmm, not quite," Kate replied. Tim looked at her confused. She explained. "You aren't dead, not yet at least."

"So I'm going to die?"

"That all depends."

"On what?"

"On where you go from here."

"What do you mean?"

Kate paused and Tim could see that she was trying to think of the best way to explain the situation. "Okay," she said after a moment or two. "You were shot, yes?"

"Right."

"And right now doctors are trying to save your life."

"Okay."

She was thinking again and Tim waited patiently. "This," she said stretching out her hands and indicating the world around them, "is your in between state so to speak. This is where you make the decision to either move on to the next life or to fight and go back."

He hesitated a moment and then asked, "So, is this where you were then? I mean, when you..."

"I was shot in the head Tim," she reminded him. "There wasn't time for me to stop in at a place like this." She saw that her frankness made him feel a little uncomfortable so she moved the conversation past that point. "Besides, it's different for everyone. For some people it's an elevator, others a train, car or plane. You, it's the ocean."

"You mean, if I want to go back I have to go back to the ocean?"

"It's not that simple but don't worry about it right now. You hungry?"

Tim wasn't sure how possible it was for him to actually be hungry in this other dimension but he guessed that if he could get tired then he could probably get hungry too, and he knew that he hadn't eaten anything since arriving. He nodded and Kate smiled at him.

"Follow me," she said as she walked past him. Tim followed, wondering where they were going since the last time he had examined the prairie there was no structure of any kind. But somehow Kate was able to find what resembled a farm house. It was white with a front porch spanning the width of the whole house. Tim was going to ask questions about how it got there and whether they should knock or just walk in but decided that Kate probably knew more about the place than he did. After all, she was the one to find it when he'd clearly missed it.

Kate walked through the front door and Tim followed. She then led him to the back of the house where the kitchen was. As he sat at the table while Kate cooked up something he noticed that there were pictures on the walls. He stood and went to inspect them. The images were familiar and by the third picture Tim realized they were snapshots of his life. Pictures of him the day his sister was born, pictures of him as he progressed in school. He even found images from his days at MIT. The last set of pictures were all from NCIS. Memories he had long since forgotten had somehow been preserved and left to hang on these walls.

"I must say, it puts a different spin to the phrase 'life flashing before your eyes'."

Tim turned and looked at Kate. She had two plates of mac and cheese, one in each hand. She held one out to him.

"Mac and cheese?" he said as he took the food from her.

"Hey, I didn't have a lot to work with," she told him. "Besides, I figured you'd want something quick."

"Thanks."

The conversation that ensued consisted mostly of Tim telling Kate what had happened in his life the past few years since Ari shot her. He told her about Ziva and the help she was to the team. He talked about the various cases they'd worked and things that had happened with his family. Soon the sun had disappeared and it was dark outside of the house.

"You should get some sleep," Kate said standing up and taking his plate.

"I can do that," Tim said reaching for the dishes.

"Really Tim, you should sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

"I do?"

Kate just smiled at him and he knew that meant she wasn't going to tell him anything more than that. He sighed and gave a nod.

"Fine," he told her. Before he left the room however he gave her a tight hug. "I've missed you Kate," he said quietly.

"I know," she replied.

He pulled away after a few seconds and then went upstairs. He wasn't sure how he knew where to go but he did. He found his room—again, he wasn't sure how he knew it was his, he just did—and then fell onto the bed. It didn't take long for him to drift off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Two Visitors**

The next morning Tim had woken to find Kate already up and making breakfast. They enjoyed another meal—pancakes and scrambled eggs this time—and then they went outside and sat on the porch. It was a bit cloudy and the wind had picked up a little since yesterday, but overall it was a relatively nice day.

Tim waited a few minutes before striking up a conversation. "So, why do I have a big day ahead of me today?"

Kate was quiet and for a moment he wondered if she'd even heard him. He was about to ask again when she replied. "You should take a walk," she said. "There's a nice little path that leads to this gorgeous field of wildflowers."

She was clearly avoiding the question and Tim wanted to press the matter more, but something in her voice convinced him to take her advice.

"Alright," he said standing up. "I'll be back later then I suppose."

Kate was awfully quiet and he could tell something was wrong. He was about to ask when she stood and gave him a hug.

"It was good to see you Tim," she said.

He wasn't sure what to say. Was she saying goodbye? Why?

She pulled back and her eyes glistened a little. "Don't be afraid to make the hard choice," she said.

"What do you...?" he began but then she was gone. He was back on the prairie, and he was standing on the path he'd found yesterday. He looked around, hoping to find Kate but she was nowhere to be found. Just when he had found someone to help him with all of this, he was alone again.

He remembered what Kate had said about the wildflowers and decided to walk down the path and try to find them again. Maybe he was supposed to get some more answers there, though he was feeling more discouraged than before.

When he was finally able to find the field again he stood in the middle of it. The flowers were essentially the same, though they seemed to have grown in size since he'd seen them yesterday. He didn't question it though. After all, if this was in fact his own consciousness creating what was in this realm than peculiarities he kept finding were his own fault.

Some time passed and Tim wondered if maybe he was supposed to be looking for something.

_Just wait_, a little voice in his mind said.

Wait for what? He wanted to ask, but figured that if he was supposed to know he would've been told. So instead he sat down in the middle of some Indian paintbrush, rested his hands on his knees and just sat in silence, taking in the view and waiting patiently for whatever was about to happen.

Hours passed and Tim was beginning to think this whole thing was ridiculous when he saw it. There, at the edge of the field, was a person. At first he couldn't tell who it was but as they got closer he saw the familiar face of Abby Scuito.

Tim stood. "Abby?" he said.

Abby smiled. "Hey Tim," she said. "Sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I just..." She trailed off and Tim thought he saw tears forming in her eyes.

"It's okay Abby," he said trying to step towards her but he couldn't. It wasn't like a wall, or something holding onto him, his feet just weren't listening.

"Work has been really crazy the past few days," Abby continued. "Would you believe that we got slammed with three new cases? NCIS I mean, not the team, because that would just be insane if the director really expected us to do that much work all at once you know? Anyways, I was going to be here sooner but like I said, things have been crazy." She paused again as the tears really came. His heart broke; he just wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her it was alright. "You have to be okay Tim," she said quietly. "You never get hurt, it's always Tony. Please Tim, you have to be okay. You just have to be."

Tears were now filling Tim's eyes as well and he cursed his feet for keeping him from comforting her. He tried again, struggling against his own body, trying to defy what it was doing, but nothing happened. Instead, he found himself growing tired again. He blinked and Abby was gone.

_No,_ he thought. _No, she can't leave! I have to tell her I'm okay! She has to know..._

But that was just it Tim realized. If this place was between life and death, then he really wasn't okay. He was far from it.

_How am I supposed to be okay? How am I supposed to get back?_

He sat back down on the ground and placed his head on his knees.

He wasn't sure when he had drifted off. His head jerked up as he heard someone else speaking. He looked around and saw Ducky.

"Well Timothy it certainly has been a busy day," he said. "I am sure Abby told you about the cases we have been bombarded with. I must say I haven't worked this hard since my time in Afghanistan. And I might add it is just as emotionally difficult as it was then."

Tim saw the sorrow on the M.E.'s face. He waited for Ducky to say something more, to go off on one of his stories, but the older gentleman remained silent.

"I am sorry Timothy," he finally said after some time. "I'm afraid I just don't have the heart to speak. Everyone is worried, though none of them are really admitting to it. They're trying to work as if nothing is wrong but it isn't hard to see that they are struggling. I think they feel somewhat responsible for what happened."

"But it wasn't their fault!" Tim exclaimed.

Ducky continued as if he hadn't spoken. "Ziva and Tony have been arguing like mad. To the unknowing passerby it would seem like any other day but in all honesty it isn't their normal lighthearted back and forth bantering. No, there is more emotion behind it all and none of it has to do with what is actually being said. Jethro, well, you know how he is with these situations. He doesn't like to talk much about his feelings. Part of the Marine in him I would suspect. But even he has been a bit on edge it seems. With a quick glance you wouldn't know it, but if you really took a moment to look into his eyes you'd see it. He's hurting as much as the rest of us."

"Ducky," Tim said, pleading. "Please you have to tell them it isn't their fault! You have to make them understand!"

Ducky sighed. "Well my boy, I wasn't sure just how talkative today's visit would be, so I came prepared." He pulled out a book (from where Tim wasn't sure) and opened to the first page. "I don't know if you've ever read this one, but it is a classic and one of my favorites." He cleared his throat and as he read Tim recognized the first few lines of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

"Ducky," he said again, trying to get his attention but it didn't work. Nothing seemed to work.

_He can't hear me. _The realization came to him so unexpectedly that Tim just stood there for a moment, probably looking absolutely ridiculous. He thought about Abby's visit and about how he couldn't move to comfort her. She must have been visiting him in the hospital, her words making their way to his subconscious and inadvertently reached him here. It seemed crazy but then nothing in this place seemed all that rational. He sighed, feeling rather melancholy at the thought that while his friends were so close they were still very far away.

He sat down and listened to the sound of Ducky's voice as he continued to read. Eventually he fell asleep once more.


	5. Chapter 5

**To Die**

For days it seemed that was the only company Tim received. Abby would come in and tell him about the cases and about her bowling adventures with the sisters. She also informed him that she had taken it upon herself to watch after Jethro the dog and that he was doing fine but clearly missed Tim. Ducky read more from A Tale of Two Cities, occasionally pausing to tell a story that he was reminded of. While it took a little help from Mr. Dickens to get Ducky to open up enough to tell his stories, Tim was rather grateful for them.

Twice Jimmy had showed up talking about how his fiance was doing. Tim even had a visit from Vance, though it wasn't very long and Tim really didn't pay attention to what he said.

Sarah showed up shortly after Vance. "Mom and dad are going to be here tomorrow," she had said. "They would have been here sooner, but the weather was impossible and their car has been out of commission." She paused and looked down at her hands as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Tim found himself in the same situation he had been in with Abby, wanting nothing more than to hug her and tell her everything was alright.

"Remember that time we were home alone and the thunderstorm hit?" she asked. "The lightning was so close and the thunder was so loud. I was terrified, and you just wrapped me up in a blanket and told me everything was going to be okay and that we were safe. You told me you wouldn't leave me alone, no matter what." She trembled as the sobs came closer to the surface. "Tim, I need you to do that again, okay? You have to tell me you'll be okay. You have to tell me you won't leave me."

"I won't," Tim choked on the words as he spoke them. His heart was breaking, so much so that he felt sick to his stomach. "I'm right here Sarah, I just don't know how to get back."

His parent's visit had been similar. His mother was sobbing, begging him to be alright and his father, while he stood a little ways off and didn't say anything, Tim sensed he felt the same way. While it wasn't much, he was grateful that his dad was there.

With each of the visits Tim tried harder to reach them. He thought that if he could just touch them then maybe, just maybe, he might be able to get out of this place and come back to them. But he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't reach them.

It wasn't long before Tim wondered if it was even worth trying. After all, it wasn't so bad where he was at. It was beautiful and he had started to figure out how to get things to work in his favor. For instance, he was able to locate the house Kate had taken him to and he was even able to conjure up food it seemed. He was still working on getting some of the luxuries from his life—phone, computer, etc—but he hadn't made any headway with it so far.

But just as he was nearly convinced of staying he thought about all of people he'd leave behind. What would they do if he never woke up? If he was just in a comatose state for the rest of his life? It would only prolong their suffering. He supposed he could just try and move onto the next phase, leave life and this "in between state" as Kate had called it behind. Yes, it would mean leaving his family, but at least they would be able to move on.

_Or you could just go back. _There was that voice again. Yes, going back was an option, if he could figure out how to do it. Kate had said something about the ocean, but the sky had been filled with gray clouds lately and he wasn't sure he wanted to be on the beach if there was a storm brewing.

So, he just spent his time going back and forth from the farm house to the field, listening to the few visitors he received as they chatted about one thing or another.

And then one day, it stopped. There were no visitors, not his family or his friends. He wondered what could have possibly happened that kept them from coming, why they would just stop. Had he done something? How could he, he was in a coma to them. What if he had waited too long? What if he was trapped here because he hadn't fought hard enough to get back?

Tim began to panic. He didn't want to stay here, not really. Honestly, he hadn't made up his mind because he was scared. He wasn't entirely sure why, but he guessed it had something to do with that foreboding feeling he had felt on the beach when he was there previously. Now, because of his fear, he was going to be stuck there forever, in a coma until something changed and he died for real.

Unless he already had.

"No," he said as the reality of just how likely that possibility was hit him. "I can't be...no...I'm not ready for that, I don't want to die." He looked around, willing Kate to appear again and tell him everything was okay, that he was still alive, sort of, and that he still had a chance to go back. But nobody came. He was alone.

Tim dropped to his knees. His body shook as he sobbed. All of the pain, the heartache he'd felt the past few days as he longed to comfort the people he loved, the pain of losing people he cared about throughout his life, it seemed to well up and intensify until all he could do was scream. He screamed as loud as he could, trying to rid himself of the pain, to banish it from inside his chest to some faraway place. It stayed however and Tim fell onto his side, curled up in the fetal position, tears streaming down his face.

The clouds above him seemed to reciprocate his feelings as the rain began to fall.


	6. Chapter 6

**Lissy**

As Tim slowly regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was that it had stopped raining. The smell of wet dirt mixed with the fragrance of the wildflowers and for a moment he forgot where he was. The smell was rather invigorating, refreshing even. He could hear birds chirping somewhere and for a moment he was content to just lie there, eyes closed and no worries about anything.

But then he remembered where he was, why he was there. The feelings of despair came flooding back to him and he opened his eyes.

The clouds above were still gray, though not quite as foreboding as before. His clothes he noticed weren't wet despite having been out in the rain for as long as he had been. He was too exhausted, physically and emotionally to care though. Part of him wanted to sit up and look around, but a bigger part just wanted to stay where he was and wallow in self pity.

"It won't do any good you know, lying there I mean."

He recognized that voice but he wasn't sure if he'd actually heard it. There was a rustling sound as something moved towards him and then he saw her. Her blonde hair and bright green eyes were the first things he noticed, and then her lips, cheeks, everything in her face. It was just as he remembered it. He sat up, leaning back on his elbows.

"Lissy? Is that you?" he asked.

She smiled and gave a small laugh. It was so light, so wonderful. He had always told her she sounded like an angel when she laughed. She always denied it of course, but Tim honestly believed it. Everything about her seemed to say "angelic" and he felt lucky to know her, to have her.

"Yeah Tim, it's me." She sat down next to him. He took in her image. She was wearing a white dress with a fitted bodice and flowing skirt. It was simple, plain even, yet it only added to her beauty.

"Then..."

"No Tim, you're not dead yet," she assured him, answering his question before he could even ask it.

"Then what happened? Why did I stop seeing everyone? Did they stop coming to see me at the hospital?"

Lissy smiled. "You've figured out quite a bit, haven't you?"

"Kate told me where I was, how I got here and why I was here. After that it wasn't all that hard to figure things out." He realized that Lissy didn't know Kate. "Kate is someone I used to work with," he said quickly.

"I know," she said. "We've met."

"You...you have?"

She nodded. "Yes Tim, we are both dead after all."

"I know that, I just..." Just what? He wasn't even sure.

Lissy put her hand on his back and lightly scratched it. "Don't worry about it Tim. Just take a moment to breathe, to think."

She had said that to him before. He was stressing about finals and she had come over to his apartment with Oreos and milk to cheer him up. They were sitting just as they were now, only it was at his kitchen table. She poured him a glass of milk as he vented his frustrations to her, telling her he wasn't sure if he'd pass any of his classes. When he had finished she scratched his back, just as she was now, and told him to breathe.

He looked over at her and the love he had seen in her eyes when she was alive still illuminated them. He turned so as to face her more fully and then placed his hand on her cheek, stroking it with his thumb. He watched as she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand. She'd missed him just as much as he had missed her.

"Oh Lissy," he said quietly. She opened her eyes again and he wanted to tell her how much he loved her. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed her, choosing to show her. She kissed him back and he could see just how completely he had missed her.

After a moment they pulled away. Lissy smiled at him.

"I missed you," he said.

"I know," she replied. She moved closer and put her arms around him, her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned his head on top of hers. It had been years since the last time they had been like this. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to forget everything that was going on and just enjoy the simple physical contact they were sharing. It didn't matter that he was between life and death, that he might die any second now. He just wanted to hold her, just for a little while.

Time passed and Lissy finally pulled away from him. He first thought that maybe something was wrong but the smile on her face told him otherwise.

"Come on," she said taking his hand and then standing up. He stood also and looked at her confused. "We have to go."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

They left the field of flowers, following a path that Tim had yet to explore. The flowers turned into the tall grass again and a breeze picked up, moving the stalks back and forth in front of them.

"There's something on your mind," Lissy said as they walked. Their arms were swinging back and forth as they moved, something else Tim had missed.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Lissy stopped and looked at him square in the eyes. "There's something that has been on your mind since the night I died. What is it?"

He was taken a back a little, surprised that she knew. He was afraid to tell her but knew that at this point he really didn't have anything to lose.

"I was just thinking," he began, "if I had been the one driving, maybe..."

She put a finger to his lips and he stopped talking. Her eyes were soft, kind, as she said, "If you had been driving, it would have been your funeral, not mine."

"But if..."

"Don't even think it Tim. Nothing ever came from 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' of the past. You just have to take what happens, good or bad, and move on through life. It isn't easy, but asking yourself what could have been different, wondering if things could have changed only makes it harder."

Tim could feel emotions starting to well up inside of him again and he took a breath to get them under control. There was something he had never told her, something that he had kept hidden all of these years from everyone.

"I just wish..."

"I know Tim. I wish we'd done it sooner, too."

"I was just scared. I shouldn't have made you wait."

"I would have waited until forever for you, Tim."

Another blow to his already breaking heart. He closed his eyes as the regret that he hadn't said something sooner came. He felt Lissy's hand on his cheek and he looked at her.

"What did I say about what ifs and if onlys?"

He gave a short laugh and smiled sadly at her. She kissed him gently and then said, "Don't worry about it Tim. I never have."

With that said, they continued their walk to wherever it was they were going. Tim was still curious but he didn't say anything. Lissy would tell him when it was necessary. In the meantime he may as well get a few more answers.

"So do you know what happened? To my friends I mean."

"Well," she began, "Your body was just doing what you were doing."

"What do you mean?"

"When you got here, your friends weren't here waiting for you, were they?"

"No, but that was probably because the doctors were still working to keep me alive."

"Exactly."

Tim thought about it for a moment. "You mean, I almost died, again?"

Lissy nodded. "See Tim, as long as you fought to reach them, to talk to your friends and family, your body fought to stay alive. When you stopped trying, so did your body. You're okay now, I think, or at least you will be. Just make sure you don't give up."

Tim shook his head. "I can't stay here Lissy."

"I know that."

"Then what do I do? How am I supposed to get back, or move on, or whatever it is I'm supposed to do? What do I do? I don't even know the answer to that!"

"Tim, breathe."

He stopped, took a breath and allowed himself to calm down. She was good at doing that, calming him down. That was one of the things that drew him to her, one of the reasons he loved her.

"Do you know, what I have to do I mean?"

"I do."

"Tell me, please."

"You're not ready for it yet."

He was getting frustrated again. "Lissy..."

"I know, it's frustrating and you just want to know. You like knowing what to do, how to solve a problem, but trust me, just wait a little longer, okay?"

He watched her, weighing his options. Either he could continue to argue the point, make Lissy as frustrated as he was, or he could trust her and just let it go for now, enjoying what time he had with her.

"Alright," he said.

Lissy smiled. They had stopped walking and Tim looked around. They were back at the field of wildflowers.


	7. Chapter 7

**More Visitors**

"Why are we back here?" he asked.

"Because this is where you are supposed to be right now."

"If this is where I'm supposed to be, why did we leave?"

Lissy blushed a little, a look of guilt on her face. "Well, I wanted to spend some time with you before."

"Before what?"

Lissy inclined her head towards something behind him and he turned. Ziva was there, standing straight, her face emotionless.

Tim looked back at Lissy.

"There's a few people who need to talk to you," she said.

"Are you going to leave?" he asked thinking of Kate disappearing.

"For a while, but I will be back, I promise." With that she was gone. It made him sad, but he trusted that Lissy would keep her promise. He turned back towards Ziva.

"I am sorry it took me so long to see you McGee," she said. Tim could see that she was trying to keep her emotions at bay. "Ducky said I should come, that it might be good for me." She paused. "To be perfectly honest, I did not want to come. I did not want to see..." Her mask was beginning to crack so she took a moment to collect herself again. "Anyways, I am sorry. It will not happen again."

"Oh Ziva," Tim said quietly.

"We were able to link everything back to Mullen by the way. We also found out that he was planning to go after someone else. If we hadn't got to him first, someone else would be dead." Another pause. "If you hadn't gone through that trap door with him, we may not have been able to catch him McGee. I do not think I would be wrong in saying that his next victim is alive because of you."

And then something happened. Ziva reached out her hand and Tim felt it on his own. He looked down, surprised. How was that happening? He and Ziva were standing at least five feet from each other, so how was it he could feel her touch on his hand? Why hadn't he felt the others (surely they had done the same thing)?

Ziva disappeared and Tim felt the touch on his hand leave as well. He wanted to call for her, tell her to come back. He was starting to think that maybe there was a chance he could come back.

It was a long while before anyone else showed up in the field again. Tim had hoped that it would be Lissy, but when he saw Tony he was just as happy.

"Tony," he said and then remembered that the senior field agent couldn't hear him. "It's good to see you," he said anyway. Tony had become a big brother to Tim and as annoying as he could be, Tim really looked up to him. He admired his ability to get the job done, even with his humor intact, and while Tim sometimes tuned him out whenever he started making a movie reference, he was impressed that Tony could come up with them on the spot.

"Hey there buddy," Tony said. "Ziva said she stopped by to see ya, and I figured it was time I did the same thing." He was quiet and then he said, "You know, I'm sure there are hundreds of movies with some kind of scenario like this. Patient in a coma, all his friends and family coming to see him, hoping that maybe he might actually be able to hear them and if they talk long enough he'll decide to just wake up. Can't think of any specific films just now, but when I do I'll let you know."

Tony looked down and it was then Tim realized he was trying to hold back tears.

"I'm sorry Tim," he managed to say. "You know, when you went through that trap door I thought you were a goner. We all did. We rushed over to the edge and when we saw that ILP man you could hear the collective sigh of relief. We were going to jump down after you, but Mullen got to you first. I'm sure if we timed it right we could have just jumped down and taken him out while we were at it, but we didn't think there was time to discuss that. I mean, he was beating the crap out of you. So we ran for the stairs instead."

Tony never cried, in fact he did everything he could to avoid it. But as he lifted his head Tim could see the tears coming to his eyes. No matter what had been said, no matter how hard Tony was on Tim, he always cared about him. They were more than coworkers, they were brothers and this was evidence of that fact.

Tim felt his own eyes getting wet. He mentally kicked himself as he realized that he had, for a brief time, considered just staying where he was, or letting himself die.

Seconds after Tony left Gibbs was there. Tim hadn't expected him to come so quickly.

"Hey Tim," Gibbs said. It was rare for Gibbs to use Tim's first name. Normally it was "McGee" but once in a while, when it was a little more personal and less professional, he would call him Tim. "Doc says you're doing better. Still doesn't know when you'll wake up though."

"I wish I knew," Tim said honestly.

"Everyone sends their regards, Ducky, Abby, Palmer, the Director." He stopped and Tim saw what Ducky had been talking about. If you just took a quick look Gibbs looked like he always did, but a closer inspection and you could see, in his eyes, this was hard for him. It was bad enough knowing that offering Gibbs comfort in a normal situation was a little strange and if Tim was honest he really had no idea how to go about it, but at least in a normal situation there was the potential to do so. Here, Tim knew he couldn't. There was nothing he could say or do that would make that look in his boss' eyes go away.

"I let you down Tim," Gibbs said.

"Boss, you didn't."

"It's my job to look after this team and I didn't do my job. You shouldn't be here."

Tim was worried that Gibbs would start to cry like Tony had and he knew that if he did Tim would lose it. Luckily Gibbs had had years of practice and he was able to keep the emotions contained. His face betrayed him though and the pain that had been evident only in his eyes was now showing on his face.

"You have a lot of people that care about you Tim."

He turned around to see Lissy. He breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

"Did you think I wouldn't come back?" she asked.

"I was worried you might not." He looked back to where Gibbs was but the marine had disappeared. He stared at the spot where his friends had appeared, each of them in the same place, and he thought about everything that they had said. Ziva, Tony, Gibbs, they were all carrying a burden of guilt that wasn't theirs to bear. It was Mullen that had activated the trap door, Mullen that had beat him up, Mullen that tried to take the gun from him.

He had to tell them, had to let them know he didn't blame them in the least.

"Lissy," Tim said looking back at her. "What do I have to do to get back?"

She took his hand and the landscape around him changed. He was back on the beach, the water sweeping over his feet as it came into the shore and then went back out.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Ocean**

Tim took a moment to acknowledge where he was. He was about to ask Lissy more questions, like how he was supposed to get back from here, but then it hit him.

"I have to swim, don't I?"

Lissy nodded. "It's not going to be easy, not by a long shot, but I believe in you."

Tim wasn't sure about this and Lissy seemed to notice.

"Remember when you got here? You felt uneasy about leaving the beach?"

"I still feel uneasy here."

"It's not the beach that made you feel that way, or even the ocean."

He looked at her. "What was it then?"

"When you got here, you were still close to life, much closer than on the prairie, or in the wildflower field. That feeling was your gut trying to tell you to stay here because this is where you had to be to get back." She looked back at the sand dune that led to the prairie. "The prairie, that's your in between, not the beach, not the ocean."

"But why the ocean? Why not something more common like Kate was talking about. An elevator, or a car or something?"

Lissy shrugged. "I don't know why some people get the outs that they do. I just know that it's different for everyone. You're not the only one to get an ocean, there are lots of people that do, but some of them get boats, others a surf board."

"But I have to swim."

"Yes."

Tim didn't understand it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he got seasick so easily, or something like that. He loved to watch the ocean from the beach but being out on the water was another story.

That was it. He had to overcome something that he feared, something that had been a challenge for him his whole life in order to get that life back.

"Is that why I had to see everyone before you told me how to get back?" Tim asked, assuming that once again Lissy knew what he was thinking. He was right.

"Yes. You needed a strong enough reason to come back. If your determination was too small then you would probably just give up and end up back here."

"What if my determination isn't enough? Even after everything that has happened, what everyone has said, what if it isn't enough?"

Lissy took his hand and looked up at him. He looked into her eyes, those beautiful green eyes he had looked into so many times, and saw what she was trying to say. She had every confidence and faith in him that he could do it. She believed in him, just as she always had.

Tim leaned down and kissed her lips. Part of him wanted to stay here with her, but the urge to get back was so strong, he knew he couldn't. So he put every last bit of love he had for her, the first woman he'd ever truly loved, into this single kiss. A tear trickled down his face as the knowledge that this would be the very last time he ever kissed her came into his mind. He wished he could freeze the moment, make it last forever and still have time to get back.

When he finally pulled away he saw that Lissy's eyes were just as wet as his own.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too."

He turned to the ocean and took a deep breath. Slowly he walked into the water, the waves hitting against his body as the water got deeper until it came up to his waist. He turned around then. Lissy was still standing on the beach, the ocean winds blowing through her golden locks and wrapping the skirt of her dress around her legs. He smiled at her and she returned the gesture. With that final image in his mind Tim returned his attention to the water.

He inhaled deeply three times before finally taking the biggest breath he could and then fully submerging himself in the water.


	9. Chapter 9

**Fighting for Air**

The water was colder than Tim had expected and for a moment he was tempted to swim back to the surface. He remembered what Lissy said, that this was his way back, and he began to swim. He wasn't even sure if he was going in the right direction but he didn't care. He was just going to swim until he couldn't anymore.

As he swam flashes of memories came to him.

_ White fluorescent light above him, moving past. No, they weren't moving, he was. There were faces there too. A man with blonde hair and glasses. He was wearing a white lab coat. Beside him was a woman, about twenty five or so, dressed in a blue EMT uniform. They were talking back and forth but all Tim could concentrate on was how much he hurt. It was like his whole body was on fire. _

_ "We need to get him to trauma two," the blonde man said._

_ More lights and then it wasn't as bright anymore. They stopped moving and the blonde man flashed a little light in his eyes._

_ "Tim?" he said. "Tim, can you hear me?"_

_ Tim tried to say something but he just hurt too much. He felt a tear escape from his eye. He knew he should be embarrassed, crying in front of these strangers, but he hurt and if anyone was going to give him crap about it then he was going to tell them where to shove it._

Tim was back in the ocean. He was swimming with all of his might. There was a funny kind of scratching feeling in his throat. He wanted to cough, try to get it out, but being under water he knew that wouldn't be the best idea. So he swam to the surface. He was running out of air anyway.

His head broke the surface and he inhaled. He looked around quickly and found he was surrounded by water. Well, if nothing else he was at least away from the beach. He had made some progress. He was about to cough and expel whatever it was that had made its way into his throat when he noticed the waves were getting larger. His heart raced at the sight of it.

What did he do? It was huge, and the longer he waited the bigger it got. He figured that his best chance was to go under water again. He took a breath and just before the wave reached him he went under again.

More memories...

_ "McGee! McGee, can you hear me?"_

_ "Ambulance is on its way Boss."_

_ Someone was lightly slapping the side of his face. He noted that they were small, like a woman's. _

_ "There's a lot of blood..."_

_ Ziva..._

_ He felt pressure at his side and it sent a shock wave of pain through him. He wasn't sure if he cried out or not, but someone began apologizing profusely. _

_ "Where's that ambulance!"_

_ Gibbs..._

_ "ETA is seven minutes Boss."_

_ Tony..._

_ "McGee, you listen and you listen good. You do NOT have permission to die."_

_ Tim wanted to say something, to reply, but he couldn't find his voice. He felt a slight pain as Gibbs smacked the back of his head. _

_ "I mean it," he said._

Tim kept swimming, the itchiness in his throat growing more and more irritating until he just couldn't stand it any more. He broke the surface again and began coughing. No, it wasn't coughing, it was gagging. There wasn't just something caught in his throat, it was _down_ his throat.

He tried to move to pull it out but white hot pain shot up and down his right side and he stopped, cringing in pain.

_"We need some help in here!"_

Panic, someone running.

_"Just hold on a sec buddy."_

_ "Hold him."_

Pressure on his shoulders, the object in his throat was being removed and the sensation of it moving up his throat and out of his mouth made him gasp. He coughed, his throat dry, and then he was back under.

He struggled against the water, against his wet clothes trying to weigh him down but found that his energy was spent. He was going to drown. Lissy had been wrong; he wasn't going to make it.

_ "I think he's coming around."_

_ "Tim, can you hear me?"_

__Tim closed his eyes, accepting his fate.


	10. Chapter 10

**Waking**

_"He's breathing on his own now, which is a good sign. We just have to keep waiting."_

_ "Is there anything else to be done? Any way of waking him?"_

_ "While he is progressing towards full recovery, I'm afraid it's all dependent on him."_

Voices, some of them were familiar but Tim couldn't place who they belonged to. He could barely make out what they were saying.

_"So we're back where we started then?"_

_ "I know it's frustrating. Waiting is the hardest part of the healing process, but I'm afraid it's the only thing we can do right now."_

Who was that? Who was talking and who were they talking about?

As Tim laid there his senses started to take in his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was the smell. Crisp, clean, sterile. He didn't like it. Not that he preferred dirty, unclean air, but the smell was familiar to him, and it brought bad feelings with it.

Next was touch. He slowly became more aware of things that were touching his skin. Something around his right wrist. He felt a soft material on his feet which he presumed were socks. There was also something underneath his hands, another soft material and as his mind processed its qualities he was able to deduce that it was a blanket. There was something on his right arm. Tape, and an uncomfortable feeling on the inside of the same elbow. His left arm was bent and immobile. More processing: a sling. And there was something wrapped tightly around his torso.

After touch was sound. In all technicality hearing had been first, but he had stopped paying attention when his other senses started to kick in. He focused his attention on the little sounds first. Beeping, buzzing, shoes shuffling across a hard surface. Something was making a kind of jangling sound and there was the familiar sound of something heavy hitting the ground in a rhythmic way.

He took a deep breath and felt pain throughout his chest. He screwed up his face as the pain made him stop mid breath only to be greeted by more pain in his face. He groaned.

"Did you hear that?"

"I think he's coming to."

"Agent McGee, can you hear me?"

_Yes,_ he wanted to say but his throat was so dry.

"Timmy? Can you hear us?"

Abby, that was definitely Abby. The heavy sound he'd heard before must have come from her shoes, probably the jangling too.

He wanted to open his eyes, see who all was there but his lids felt so heavy.

_Come on Tim,_ he told himself. _You didn't go through all this trouble just to let something as small as your eyelids keep you from waking up. _

Slowly, and with every bit of determination he had left, Tim opened his eyes.

White, bright white, that was the first thing he saw. His eyes adjusted to the light after a while however and everything started coming into focus.

He was in a hospital room. On his left stood a man whom he assumed was his doctor, with a woman who he guessed was a nurse standing beside him.

"Welcome back Agent McGee," the doctor said smiling. "I'm Doctor Harris. You gave us all quite a scare."

Tim continued looking around the room. On his right he saw the beaming face of Forensic Specialist Abby Scuito, her smile spreading from ear to ear and tears of joy in her eyes. Next to Abby was Ducky, a smile equally as big on his face and tears evident there as well.

"Tim."

Tim looked back at Doctor Harris.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Hospital," he croaked. Doctor Harris motioned for the nurse to grab a cup of water that was sitting beside the bed. She held the cup to his lips and he took a sip. The cool water was just what his dried up throat needed and he was extremely grateful for it.

Doctor Harris pulled out a small flashlight and checked Tim's eyes.

"I'm going to ask you a few routine questions, alright?"

Tim nodded.

"What's your name?"

"Timothy McGee."

"When were you born?"

"September 13, 1978."

"Where do you live?"

"Silver Spring."

"Family?"

"Mom and dad, Julia and Greg McGee, sister Sarah."

"And what's your occupation?"

"Federal Agent."

Doctor Harris smiled. "Memory seems to be in tact," he said with a nod. "Do you remember what happened?"

Tim thought for a moment, trying to remember but things seemed to be jumbled up in his mind. He was at the beach, no, a warehouse. A farm house? He couldn't quite get everything straightened out in his mind.

When Tim didn't respond right away, Doctor Harris said, "Don't worry about it Tim, you probably won't remember everything that happened. Are you in pain?"

Tim thought about his side and gave a nod.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being hardly any pain and ten being the worst pain you've ever felt, how bad is it?"

Tim evaluated just how bad he was hurting. The pain from his inhalation had mostly subsided to a dull throbbing.

"Five?" That sounded like a decent number.

Doctor Harris nodded. "Alright, I'm going to give you some painkillers now and then again in a few hours. If the pain gets worse before then, let me know."

"I'm okay," Tim said.

"Don't be difficult Timothy," Ducky scolded. "Let the doctors take care of you. They've done a fine job of it so far."

Tim didn't want the meds, mostly because he had a feeling they would just put him to sleep, but he nodded his consent, going with Ducky on this one.

Doctor Harris injected the medicine into Tim's IV and then reminded him he would be back later. When he and the nurse had left the room Tim took another look around. Ducky and Abby were the only ones there.

"Gibbs?" Tim asked, wondering where his team was.

"They're on their way," Ducky informed him. "I called them when you tried to remove your ventilator."

Tim lifted his hand to his throat. That explained the dryness.

"What happened?"

"Well, you were shot my boy," Ducky replied frankly. Tim remembered the bandages around his middle. "While you were struggling to take the gun from Mullen it went off. The bullet entered the right side of your abdomen and traveled up to your lung, breaking one rib and fracturing another along the way. You also have a fractured cheekbone and a dislocated shoulder."

The way he was explaining it to him Tim felt like he was another corpse in autopsy. But then that was Ducky. Honestly he didn't mind having his injuries described that way. He was just grateful to be alive and able to hear Ducky say it.

"You really scared me Tim," Abby said and he could see the truth of her words in her face.

"I'm sorry Abs," he replied sincerely.

"That's alright, just don't do it again."

Tim chuckled a little, an action that sent a bit of pain through his chest and face again with a slight throb to his shoulder. He tried not to show it but the look on both Abby and Ducky's faces had told him he was unsuccessful.

"My parents?"

"Jethro said he would contact them before leaving NCIS," Ducky assured him. "They've been here every day since they arrived, Sarah too."

"How long have I been here?"

"Ten days."

Ten days, it had felt like weeks, months even. At least, he thought it had. He was trying to remember something, something that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Ocean, beach, a prairie, flowers, Kate...

"You okay Tim?"

Abby's voice was full of concern and Tim smiled at her, ignoring the pain. "I'm alright Abs," he said. "I'm just trying to remember."

"Doctor Harris said you probably won't remember what happened Timothy. Don't strain yourself."

"I know, I just thought...there was something else."

Ducky and Abby both looked at each other with concerned looks, each one debating whether or not to tell him what they were thinking. Before either could say anything however, there was a knock on the door. Tim looked and smiled as Gibbs, Ziva, and Tony walked into the room. They were clearly happy to see that he was awake. Happy and relieved.

"Finally you're awake," Tony said coming around to stand where Doctor Harris had been just moments before. Gibbs stood next to him and Ziva was beside Ducky. "Took you long enough."

"It's good to see you too Tony."

"Yeah, well, you should be grateful Probie. I've had to pick up your slack while you were lying around here taking a holiday."

Tony's head jerked forward as Gibbs smacked it.

"Shutting up Boss," Tony said.

Tim smiled all the more. It was good to see his team functioning like they always did. He'd been worried about them because...

Why? Why had he been worried about them? He knew why, but it wasn't coming to him for one reason or another. He tried to remember but all he was getting were flashes of images that he couldn't connect entirely. Ocean, beach, prairie, flowers, Kate.

"What's on your mind, Tim?"

Tim looked at his boss and saw the concern on his face. He looked at each of the faces there and saw the same look.

"I..." He wasn't sure how to explain it to them without sounding crazy. "I was just wondering what happened. I mean, I know I was shot and beat up a little..."

"A little?" Tony remarked and then cringed in anticipation of the Gibbs smack he knew was coming.

"...but is that it?" Tim finished looking at each of his friends individually.

There was the uncomfortable glances again, passing back and forth between his friends and quite frankly it was getting a bit annoying.

Finally Gibbs cleared his throat. "Your heart stopped before the paramedics got to the warehouse, Tim. You weren't breathing, you had no pulse."

The truth hit him like a ton of bricks.

"I died?"

"Essentially yes," Ducky said taking the conversation from Gibbs. "But they were able to revive you."

The images in Tim's mind were becoming more clear. The ocean waves washing up onto the beach, the starfish that kept coming back, a green prairie with grass as tall as his knees and a field of wildflowers. Kate, telling him he was dead, or almost dead.

"How many times?"

His friends looked at him confused and he clarified. "How many times did I...did my heart stop?"

"Three," Ducky answered. "Once at the warehouse, another while you were in the ER, and again two days ago."

Tim remembered. The field of flowers, he had gone there each day to see his friends, listen to them as they spoke, trying to reach them. Then he had stopped trying, and they stopped coming. He was devastated, thinking that he had actually died and that his chance to come back was gone forever. That was when...

There was a pain in his chest but not from his injuries. It was an aching that only came from loss, from losing someone you loved.

"You okay Tim?" Tony asked.

Tim nodded. "Yeah, I was just thinking that's all."

He could see that they wanted to inquire about it further but they remained silent.

"Well," Ducky said breaking the awkward silence. "We are all glad you're doing better Timothy. You should get some rest before your parents and sister arrive."

Tim didn't want them to leave but he was feeling a bit tired.

_Stupid pain meds..._

"Thanks for being here you guys," he said.

"Where else would we be?" Tony asked as if it was completely obvious that they would be there. He then patted Tim's shoulder gently, not wanting to hurt his already injured limb. "I'm glad you're okay Probie."

"Thanks Tony."

Abby leaned over the guard rail on the bed and wrapped her arms gently around Tim. He hugged her back with his good arm. "We'll see you later Timmy," she said. "I'll see if I can sneak in something to keep you entertained, okay?"

Tim smiled. "Sounds good Abs." He kissed her on the cheek and she pulled away. Ducky was next, followed by another hug from Ziva. Gibbs was last and he waited just a moment while the others started filing out of the room.

"Get some rest Tim," he said. "That's an order."

Tim smiled and gave a nod. "Will do, Boss."

As Tim watched them leave he felt as if a burden had been lightened. Not completely lifted, but it wasn't quite as heavy as before. What this metaphorical burden was he didn't know, but he didn't really care at that point. He was alive, his team was okay, and he was grateful.


	11. Chapter 11

**Nightmare**

The visit with his family went just how Tim expected. His mother fussed over him, asking him every five minutes if he was in any pain or uncomfortable at all, his father saying little to nothing, and Sarah just beaming at the knowledge that her brother was awake and alive. There were a few updates given on the family's condition—Sarah's schoolwork, his mom's latest adventures with her new job at the local high school where they lived in California, and a small piece about Commander McGee's activities as of late—and then the family decided to let Tim rest, promising to return the following day.

That night Tim had a troubling dream. It wasn't so bad at first. He was standing in the middle of a field of flowers, each a different color, shape, and size. The sky above was a clear blue with a scattering of clouds. A slight breeze tousled his hair and he breathed in deep while closing his eyes. There was a combination of smells; flowers, fresh air, damp dirt, and something else. It took him a moment or two but he recognized it as the ocean.

His eyes opened and he was transported to a beach. The water was relatively calm and beside him was a starfish. It was the starfish that struck him most. He wasn't sure why, but there was something familiar about it, as if he'd seen it somewhere, which in all honestly was strange since he'd probably seen a hundred starfish in his life. But there was something about this one, something that left him unsettled.

The scene changed again and he was in the middle of a green field, another familiarity. Where was this? Had he been here before? Quick as a flash the scene changed again. He was in the kitchen of an unknown house, pictures on the wall and two plates of mac and cheese on the table. Sitting there, watching him with a smile, was Kate. Before he could speak however she faded away and he found himself once again in the field of flowers.

While the scene was a beautiful one to be sure, the sudden change of, well, everything, made him uneasy and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest as his stomach churned over and over. He was confused, the scene was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, and he looked around trying to find some semblance of normalcy that he could latch onto.

Then it came and Tim breathed a sigh of relief. It was his team—Gibbs, Abby, Ducky, Tony, Ziva—they were all standing in front of him smiling. He smiled back, relieved that they were there.

"Guys," he said as he walked towards them. "I'm so glad you're here."

He was nearly to them when their faces changed from joy to sorrow and he stopped in his tracks, the dread from before returning. They seemed to be looking behind him and he turned to see Mullen, staring at him with a malicious grin on his face.

The ground beneath his feet dropped out from under him. The green field, his friends, they were gone, replaced by black. He was falling.

With a jolt he sat up, waking from the dream. The movement had been a bad idea and Tim felt stinging, burning pain radiate throughout his body. He cried out, unable to contain it. Tears came to his eyes as the pain continued and his body shook with sobs. The sobs however only made the pain grow worse and they quickly became screams.

He didn't know what to do, how to make it stop. For a few moments he forgot where he was, how he'd come to be there. He felt firm hands holding him down, trying to keep him from moving and his instinct told him to fight back. He pulled free from the grip and tried to swing at the owner but found himself being restrained once more.

"Agent McGee!" Someone was yelling at him, trying to get his attention. "Tim!"

Somehow he was able to gather his senses enough to look around and see. He was in a hospital room, there was a man beside him with blonde hair and glasses. Dr. Harris, Tim knew that. On the other side of him was an orderly, about Tony's size, restraining him while a nurse stood by injecting something into an IV.

"Tim," Dr. Harris said. "It's alright, you're at the hospital, you're safe."

As everything started coming back to him, exhaustion overcame him. He wasn't sure if it was from the sedatives he knew the nurse had just given him, or if it was from what had just happened. Either way, he laid back in his pillows and felt his eyelids get heavier until he couldn't stay awake any longer.

Before he lost all consciousness however, he saw an image of a young woman, standing beside him in a white dress, her golden hair framing her face.

_Lissy..._


	12. Chapter 12

**The Hospital**

The next day was a Saturday and the NCIS team had all agreed to get up early to go see Tim. When they arrived at the hospital however, Dr. Harris stopped them at the desk. The first thing that ran through Gibbs' mind was something happened to Tim during the night.

"What happened?" he asked without prelude.

"We're not sure," Dr. Harris said amazed at the man's intuition. "The nurse at the desk said he just started screaming. She called us in and we found him sitting up. We tried to get him to lie back and he fought us. Eventually he calmed down but not until after we administered the sedative."

"When did this happen?" Ducky asked the concern evident on his face and in his voice.

"About three this morning."

"You think it was some kind of nightmare?"

"It's possible. When we came in he was muttering things that didn't make sense. He mentioned some names."

"What names?"

"Well yours, all of you I mean, and then two I didn't recognize. Kate and Mullen."

The team looked at each other.

"You know them?" Dr. Harris asked.

"Kate used to work on our team," Tony said. "Mullen is the guy that shot him."

Dr. Harris nodded. "It is common for victims of trauma to experience night terrors and such causing them to relive the incident, which explains Mullen, but I'm not sure about Kate. Are she and Tim close?"

"She died years ago," Gibbs replied. Images of Kate's body lying on the rooftop flashed in his mind. No matter how much time passed, the pain of loss was still there and he knew it always would be.

"Was she killed on the job?" Dr. Harris asked.

"Yes," Ducky replied.

The doctor could tell it was an uncomfortable subject for all of them so he chose his next words carefully and tried not to say anything that would cause them to dwell on it too long.

"It's possible he's associating her with his own shooting, being as how both happened on the job. When he wakes up you are more than welcome to ask him about it, just don't press the matter."

"Thank you Doctor," Ducky said. Dr. Harris nodded and turned to leave. Before he got too far however he turned again.

"Do you any of you know who 'Lissy' is?"

They looked at each other confused.

"No," Gibbs said after examining the looks on his team's faces.

"Hmm, I was just wondering. Before he lost consciousness Agent McGee said her name, at least it sounded like Lissy. I'm not sure." And with that he left.

The team stood there staring at each other silently, none of them quite sure about what to do. They were all so happy that Tim was awake, they hadn't really thought of the psychological impact this whole thing would have on him. It was Ziva who finally broke the silence.

"The day is moving on," she began, "and if we want to see McGee it would be best to do so as soon as possible."

That seemed to snap the rest of the team back into reality and they walked quietly to Tim's room. Upon arriving they found him sleeping soundly. They each took a spot around the bed, watching their fellow teammate and friend.

"He looks so peaceful," Abby said. Everyone noted the unease in her voice. Ducky, who was standing beside her, put an arm around her.

"It's alright my dear," he assured her. "He'll be alright."

"But what if he isn't?"

Tears began forming in her eyes and Ducky pulled her tighter.

"He'll be okay Abs," Gibbs told her. "He's a tough kid."

Abby smiled though her tears still fell.

Just then Tim began to move a little. They looked and saw his brows furrowed together, like something was wrong. Initially their hearts skipped a beat, but they remembered what Dr. Harris had said about the nightmare and assumed Tim was having another one.

"Should we try and wake him up?" Abby asked.

"I'm not sure," Ducky replied. "The last time he finished out a dream on his own he nearly hurt himself again. But there's no way of knowing he won't react the same way if we try and wake him ourselves."

"So either we wake him up and he's okay, or we wake him up and he goes crazy on us," Tony summed up. "Which will most likely happen if we don't wake him up anyway."

Tim began tossing and turning a little and the team heard his heart rate escalate on the monitor. Gibbs decided to take action and moved to the head of the bed. He gently shook Tim's right shoulder.

"Tim," he said. "Tim, wake up."

Tim's heart rate continued to increase and Gibbs shook him a little harder, speaking louder.

"Tim, wake up." Still nothing. "TIM, WAKE UP."

Finally Tim jolted awake. He made to hit Gibbs arm away but the marine caught him first.

"It's okay Tim," he said. "You're okay, it's just us."

Tim stared at him as his eyes focused and his mind cleared. Recognition came across his face and they watched him breathe a small sigh of relief.

"Boss," he said. He saw Gibbs still had his arm and realized what he almost did. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize McGee," Gibbs told him. "Besides, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"But I..."

"Let it go Tim. I already have."

But they could see that it still bothered him. Abby decided to change the subject.

"Jethro misses you," she said in as happy a tone as she could.

"I know," Tim said offhandedly.

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"How? I only just told you."

Tim's eyebrows knit together as he thought about it. "I..." He stopped, uncertain of what to say.

"I mean, I guess I didn't _just _tell you. Technically I told you when you were unconscious, but..." She paused and then squinted at him, like she did when she thought he was up to something, or keeping something from her.

"What?" Tim asked genuinely oblivious.

"You _were_ unconscious, weren't you?"

He looked at her incredulously. "Seriously?"

"It's the only explanation I can come up with!"

"Did you think maybe I just knew because he is my dog and it makes sense that he'd miss me?"

"No, but still, you did answer rather quickly so answer my question, were you really unconscious?"

"Yes Abby!" Tim exclaimed growing slightly agitated. "I was unconscious, I was completely unaware..." He stopped again and a look came over his face. One of intense thinking, as if he were trying to remember something.

"You alright McGee?" Tony asked.

Tim looked up at him and then observed the faces of everyone else in the room. They were all worried about him. Very worried.

"I...I'm okay," he finally said.

"You sure?" Gibbs asked.

Tim remained silent, showing rather than telling that really, he wasn't okay. He looked down at his lap.

"Last night," he began, "last night I..."

"Had a nightmare," Gibbs finished.

"It was so weird. I was somewhere that I know I've never been before, but I had, like deja vu or something."

"Where was it Timothy?" Ducky asked his curiosity piqued.

"I'm not sure. There was a beach, some field, a house...it was just flashes of places, places that I know I've never been to but my brain thinks I have."

"Maybe you've dreamed about it before," Abby said. "I know sometimes I'll have a dream about something and then months sometimes years later I'll dream about it again."

"I don't know, maybe."

"Perhaps it is somewhere you visited as a child?" Ziva offered.

Tim shook his head.

"Definitely not, but there were pictures..." He shook his head again. "Never mind, it was just a dream."

There was more to it though and Gibbs could tell. He chose not to pursue the matter any further however. He understood the affects of life or death traumas and the last thing he wanted was to cause problems for Tim.

"I have a question," Tony said. Everyone looked at him.

"What is it Tony?" Tim asked.

"Who's Lissy?"

Tim tensed and there was a mixture of surprise and fear on his face.

"It's just that Dr. Harris said you..." Tony's head jerked forward before he could finish the sentence.

"Put a sock in it Dinozzo," Gibbs said.

"Yes," Ziva agreed throwing daggers at Tony with her eyes.

"It's okay," Tim said recovering from the shock. "I was just...surprised...how do you know about Lissy?"

"We don't, Dr. Harris just told us you said the name last night, that's all," Ziva explained.

"Oh," Tim said and then he was quiet again.

"So...you gonna dish or do we have to guess?"

Another slap to the back of Tony's head. For a brief moment Gibbs wondered if somewhere along the road Tony had suffered brain damage from the excessive amount of head slaps he'd received. But Gibbs suspected that brain damage wasn't the reason behind Tony's seeming lack of tact at this point. They'd all been worried about Tim the past two weeks, and after what Dr. Harris had told them about Tim's nightmare the worry just seemed to grow.

"Sorry," Tim said. "I was just thinking."

"You do not have to tell us anything McGee," Ziva replied. "We are your friends and we respect your privacy." She glared at Tony a moment. "Mostly, at least."

"It's alright Ziv, really." He paused again, then continued. "Lissy is the name of a girl I met at Johns Hopkins."

"She's one of your college friends?" Abby asked.

"Well," Tim said. "Not exactly. She was..._more, _than a friend."

"Wait, you mean you actually dated in college McGeek? You actually had a social life?" DiNozzo said, the surprise evident in his voice.

"I wasn't looking for it, if that's what you mean. It just...happened."

Abby's curiosity was now getting the better of her. "How did you two meet?"

"She was working at the college library and I went there a lot."

"Figures," Tony muttered. Another head slap. At this rate Dinozzo _would_ have brain damage.

"One day as I was leaving she knocked over some books she was trying to shelve, so I helped her out and then we just...hit it off I guess."

"Sounds like a geek fairytale come true." Tony cringed but no head slap came. He relaxed and returned his attention to Tim.

"It kind of was," Tim replied, a small smile on his face as he remembered.

"So, what happened?"

Tim's mood changed and it was felt by his visitors. "The relationship ended," he said simply.

"Have you ever tried to contact her again?" Ziva asked.

Tim looked down. "I...I can't," he said.

"Why not? Did you break her heart, McHeartbreaker? Because if you did..."

The sound of Gibbs palm making contact with the back of Dinozzo's head was so loud everyone wondered if the nurse at the desk heard it.

"Ow!" Tony exclaimed. The hit had been felt all the way around to his eyeballs and the place of impact was still stinging.

"Knock it off," Gibbs said sternly.

"No Tony," Tim said in answer to the question. "I didn't break up with her."

"She broke up with you?"

Tim's silence seemed to confirm Tony's suspicion.

"You know, it's never too late to make amends? You should call her up, catch up on life and what not."

"I can't do that."

"Why? I'm sure you could hack into some computer database somewhere and locate what information you'd need to track her down."

"It's not that."

Before Tony could inquire further Abby cut him off. "Anyways," she said. "It's nice to hear stories from your college days, Timmy. You'll have to share more information with us while you're recuperating."

It was then that the nurse entered the room and advised Tim needed to get some rest. The team said their goodbyes and left him to his thoughts.


	13. Chapter 13

"**You Did Good, Tim. Really good."**

The time for Tim to go home drew near, and his mother decided to make a proposition.

"What if we stayed with you for a while? Just until you're mostly well?"

As much as Tim loved his family he wasn't so sure he wanted them to stick around for that long, especially when most of their time would be spent together. He appreciated the thought and his mother's desire to help him get better but he felt less than enthused about the possibility of his father being around. The two were never very good at communicating and the large majority of their conversations ended with the two of them yelling until one left the room fuming, usually it was Tim.

"You don't have to do that," Tim assured his mother. "I wouldn't want to keep you guys from anything."

"Nonsense," his mother persisted. "I have some vacation time that I need to use up and I am sure your father could at least get a few more days leave."

"I'll be here to help him out mom," Sarah said in an attempt to rescue Tim.

"But who's going to look after him while you're in class? You can't miss that much school!"

"Mom, please," Tim said getting slightly flustered.

"I don't like the idea of you being in that apartment all alone! What if something happens? You won't have anyway of getting help!"

"I've been living alone for years now mom, I think I can handle it."

"Yes but you weren't recovering from a gunshot wound, Tim! You had to get internal stitches as well as external stitches, _and_ you broke two ribs, your cheekbone, and dislocated your shoulder! What if you over do it and pull your stitches? What if you forget to take your pain medicine and have a fit of pain that renders you immobile?"

One thing about Tim's mother, she was very good at over exaggerating a situation.

"Mom, I'm not going to over do it, I'll take my pills regularly as I should, and nothing is going to happen."

"But..."

"Julia," Commander McGee said firmly. The others looked at him in surprise. "He'll be fine. He's a grown man and he can take care of himself. Let him be."

Tim couldn't recall his father ever standing up for him. Any time Tim was in trouble his father would tell him where he went wrong, how to fix it, and then end the conversation. Tim had always defined it as tough love but in all honesty he wished his dad had been a little more compassionate, a little more willing to connect with Tim emotionally.

"I...well alright then," Mrs. McGee replied, finally giving in.

"Of course," Commander McGee began, "since we are here it wouldn't do us any harm to stay an extra couple of days. Just a few, enough to spend some quality family time."

The Commander's family stared at him open mouthed but none were more surprised than Tim. Who was this man and what had he done with his father?

"Now," he continued. "I think it would be in the best interest of our son if we were on our way. He needs to get some rest so he can get back to work as quickly as possible."

Tim watched as his mother nodded in agreement. She gave Tim a quick hug and then stepped aside so Sarah could do the same. Tim's father shook his hand, gave a nod, and then the three made their way out the door.

The shock of the encounter was still there two days later when Tim was finally able to go home. His parents were going to pick him up and take him home and Tim sat on the edge of the bed as he waited. Actually, he hadn't gotten dressed just yet, mostly because he wasn't so sure about the whole situation. It just felt...wrong. There was something else at play and Tim couldn't even begin to guess what it was.

He looked at the clock. He family would be there any minute. He hurried to put on his pants—at least he hurried as much as he could with his injuries—and was just about to button up his shirt when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," he said still focusing on his buttons. When the door opened he turned expecting to see his mother or Sarah but was surprised to find Gibbs.

"Boss," the surprise was evident on his face and in his voice, "what are you doing here?"

"Coming to see you," Gibbs replied. He walked over and sat down next to his agent.

"Is everything okay?" Tim asked, worried that something had happened to the team and Gibbs had come to tell him in person.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

Tim looked at him in confusion. Gibbs knew he was going home today, he'd told the whole team yesterday when they were visiting. So what was he doing there now?

"You ready to get home?" Gibbs asked. While he was talking to Tim his eyes were focused on the window in front of them. There really wasn't much of a view at least not from where they were sitting so Tim knew he was just using it as a place to focus his eyes.

"Yeah," Tim answered. He finished buttoning the last button and then sat quietly with his Boss. His mind drifted back to his father. It still bothered him that he would propose spending time together. Everything that he had ever done with Tim had been done with a direct intent and purpose, none of which had simply been "family bonding". What then could be his motive?

"Something bothering you, Tim?"

Tim looked to find Gibbs watching him closely. If there was anyone he knew he could talk to right now, it was Gibbs.

"I'm just...concerned I guess."

"About going home?"

"No, not really. It's more than that."

Gibbs waited patiently for Tim to elaborate.

"A couple of days ago, when my parents and Sarah were here, my dad, he..." Tim paused, still trying to recover from the surprise. "...he stood up for me, said I was 'a grown man' and 'capable of taking care of myself'."

"That's a bad thing?"

"Well no."

"Then what's wrong?"

Tim thought of the best way that he could explain himself.

"All my life, I've looked up to my dad. He was tough, never backed down, always fought for what he thought was right, never afraid of anything. I've always loved him, but I wondered..."

"If he actually loved you."

Tim nodded. "He spent so much time telling me what I did wrong, telling me I could do better. It was like, no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I never measured up. It didn't matter if I ran my lungs out in a race, he'd tell me I could have done better. Even times when I won some competition, he'd completely disregard the fact that I had bested everyone else and just tell me I was capable of running faster, or answering more questions. Straight A's in school were never enough it seemed and unless I was the absolute best in everything I did I wasn't good enough."

Tim had never told this to any of his team members, not in this kind of detail at least. There were a few who new a little here and there, but even Abby didn't know everything. He tried not to let his personal life intermingle with his work too much and that was one subject that was extremely personal to him.

"I just can't help feeling that there's something else going on, that he's got some kind of motive for all of this."

"He does."

He looked at Gibbs, his brows furrowed together in confusion. Gibbs continued.

"You say that you admired your dad because he was fearless, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the truth is, no man is fearless. Every man..."

"...has something he's afraid of. I know that, I just...I've never seen him afraid."

"That's because you weren't looking Tim."

"What do you mean?"

"I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that your dad gets scared, more than you think he does. In fact, he gets scared every time he thinks about you."

"Why?"

Gibbs looked around as if to say the answer was right there. Tim knew what he meant.

"He...he worries about me because of my job?"

Gibbs nodded. "Any time he hears about some new NCIS investigation gone bad he silently prays it wasn't you, that you weren't involved. He's always praying that you're safe, that you'll make it through each day and that you'll wake up the next morning alive and well."

"How do you know that?"

"You don't stop being a parent just because you're kids aren't around Tim. From the minute you hold that tiny baby in your arms until the day you die you're going to worry about them. You feel responsible for them, even if you don't show it or say it."

Tim stared at his hands.

"And," Gibbs went on, "He told me."

Surprise was written all over Tim's face and Gibbs elaborated. "When your parents got here, your dad and I had a talk. We got to know each other, a little small talk, but mostly we talked about you. He said he spent so much time treating you like one of his officers in training that he completely missed the parenting part. Seeing you hurt, how close he'd come to losing you permanently, he promised himself that if you came out of it, if you woke up, he wasn't going to let himself take advantage of his time with you again." Gibbs paused. "Tim, he was terrified. We all were."

The emotions running through Tim were a bit overwhelming but he kept them at bay. He noticed that Gibbs looked older. He always looked older physically, but there had been a kind of youthful spark that made him seem much younger. Right then however, Gibbs seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"You didn't let me down by the way," he said casually. Now it was Gibbs' turn to be confused. "Me getting hurt, ending up in here, it wasn't your fault."

The look on Gibbs' face could only be described as blank. Tim knew Gibbs blamed himself for what happened, believed he had disappointed Tim. He didn't know how he knew, he just did. He ducked his head a little and looked away, a little embarrassed and waiting for Gibbs to say something.

The Team Leader didn't say anything however. Instead he simply nodded and put his hand on Tim's shoulder. The younger man looked up and found to his surprise that the gruff marine he had come to admire was looking at him with his own kind of admiration.

"You did good Tim," he said. "Really good."

Tim smiled.

"Thanks Boss."

Gibbs patted his shoulder and then stood.

"I believe you have some checking out to do," he said.

Tim nodded. "Yeah." Before he left the room Tim felt compelled to add something, "Boss?" Gibbs turned and looked at him. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"For letting me be on your team."

Gibbs gave a half smile. "I wouldn't have it any other way."


	14. Chapter 14

**Home Again**

Tim's family camped out at his place that night. He tried to get his parents to stay at a hotel, but his mother wouldn't have it. Commander McGee could see that his son wanted some space but before he could speak Tim gave in. The younger McGee looked at his father, expecting to see some kind of disapproval but he found none, a strange and yet comforting thing. He was still getting used to the idea that his father was trying to make up for the years he had failed Tim as a parent.

In the middle of the night he awoke to a sharp pain in his side. His mother had put the pain pills on his bedside table but he was struggling to see them in the dark, particularly through the pain. He flipped on the lamp and tried to push the pain back enough to focus. He saw the bottle but as he reached for them the pain shot up the right side of his body. He ended up knocking them to the floor and falling out of the bed.

As he tried to steady his breathing he heard a soft knock on his door and he cursed under his breath. He had woken someone, probably his mother. He knew they just wanted to help but there was still a part of Tim that was determined to do it without their help. He hoped whoever it was would go away but when he didn't respond to the knock the doorknob turned and Tim knew he'd been caught.

He didn't know who it was at first but as the individual's feet moved across the floor he noted the heavier, deliberate steps of his father.

"Tim," the Commander said as he knelt down beside his son, placing a comforting hand on his back. "Are you alright?"

Tim wanted to say yes, but knew that in his current position he wasn't going to fool anyone. So, he simply shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as if it would magically make the pain go away. For a brief moment he flashed back to a time when he was much younger, four or five maybe. He'd taken a bad fall off of his tricycle and had scraped up his arms and knees really badly. Tim remembered the tears streaming down his face, the sobs escaping his lips as he trembled from the pain. He remembered feeling a strong hand on his back and a deep voice asking if he was alright.

It was one of the earliest memories Tim had of his father, and it had been the most personal, most tender moment with the man, until that point. How could he have forgotten? Had he just filed it away in the back of his mind, allowing the memories of all the rough times with his dad to take its place?

Tim's mind returned to the present. His father had collected the painkillers Tim had tried to get.

"Can you stand?" he asked.

"I...think so," Tim said through gritted teeth.

"On the count of three, alright? One, two..." Before three came the Commander hoisted his son gently into a standing position. A slight whimper escaped Tim's lips and he felt the blood rush to his cheeks. His father helped him get back into the bed and then proceeded to take off the cap on the medicine bottle. He handed Tim the required dose, along with the cup of water his mother had also left. Tim took the pills thankfully and then settled back against the pillows, eyes still closed and face etched in pain.

Had Tim been looking he would have caught a glimpse of the worry Gibbs told him about. He would have seen the pain his father currently felt at seeing his son like this. He would have seen the aching on his face as the Commander wished for nothing more than to take away all of Tim's troubles right then. He would have seen the love a father has for his son.

When Tim did open his eyes the Commander's features had returned to normal, or relatively so.

"Better?" his father asked.

Tim nodded. "It still hurts, but not so much," he replied.

"It'll do that for a while. That's why you're supposed to take it easy."

"I know, I just..."

"Want to do it yourself." The Commander sat down on the edge of the bed. He stared at his hands and Tim knew that there was something on his mind.

"Dad?" he asked. The older gentleman looked up at him. "What is it?"

His dad didn't reply at first, and then he took a breath. "I was just...thinking."

By thinking Tim knew he meant worrying.

"Dad, I'm fine, really. You don't have to worry."

"You're hurt Tim. You got hurt on the job."

"If I were serving overseas I'd probably get hurt too Dad, it kind of comes with the territory of defending the country."

"Doesn't make it any easier, son."

Hints of the struggle his father was having began to come out and Tim's heart went out to him.

"I'm sorry Dad."

"Sorry?"

"That you have to worry about me. If I had stayed with the cyber crimes unit in Norfolk I probably never would have ended up in this situation. I'm 99.9% sure of it actually."

The Commander pointed a finger at his son. "Don't ever regret the choice to serve your country, Tim. It is an honorable field whether you're a soldier, public law enforcement, or federal agent. You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let anyone make you feel inadequate." He paused, and then said quietly, "Especially not me."

There was a heavy silence between the two men. Tim was learning just how much penitence his father was feeling now, how much reflecting this whole ordeal had cased him. A tear came to his eye as he began to see the truth, that his father really did love him.

The Commander noticed his son's reaction.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Tim swallowed, trying to stop the lump forming in his throat. He nodded. "I'm fine dad, really."

His father was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Is there something on your mind?"

"I..." Tim paused, uncertain of how to proceed. "I just never realized..." The lump was coming back and he had to stop himself.

"Realized what?"

Tears were welling up in his eyes and Tim knew resistance at that point was futile. So, with a choked up voice he said, "How much you love me."

And there it was. In those five simple words was the power to demolish the wall that had been building up between them for so many years. There was no more tension, no more feelings of inadequacy and no more need to be the tough drill sergeant. Right then both men could be what they were supposed to be. A father and son who cared and loved each other very much.

The Commander moved and took his son in his arms doing his best not to cause him any more pain but at the same time show him how much he cared. Tim was surprised at first but it didn't take long for him to hug his father back. He cried silently into his father's shirt, thinking back to that memory once more of falling from his tricycle. His father had held him then as well.

What the two men didn't notice were the onlookers standing outside the door. Sarah had woken up to the sound of Tim's door opening. She wasn't sure at first what was going on and so she quietly made her way over to the door, close enough to hear but far enough away not to be seen. Shortly after her mother joined her and the two McGee women watched the interaction between the two men they cared about most.

Sarah felt a tap on her shoulder and she looked back at her mother. Julia motioned with her head that they should go back to bed and Sarah nodded with a smile. They returned to their beds, leaving Tim and Commander McGee to themselves.

"I'm sorry Tim," the Commander said.

"Me too," Tim replied, knowing full well what his father was talking about.

His father stood. "You should get some rest Tim," he told him.

"Thanks dad," Tim said with a smile on his face. The older McGee smiled and left the room. Tim settled back into his pillows again, feeling the effects of the painkillers starting to kick in. He closed his eyes and drifted off into a rather restful slumber.

In the guest room the Commander took his place beside his wife. For a moment he thought she was still asleep but then she turned over and wrapped and arm around him.

"I'm proud of you," Julia said quietly. When the Commander gave her a funny look she simply stared at him, her eyes telling she knew what had happened with Tim.

"You heard?" the Commander asked.

"And saw," she replied. She squeezed her husband even tighter. "And I think it's about twenty years late, but better late than never."

The Commander smiled at her. "How did I ever get so lucky to have you?"

"Hmm, just that, luck."

The Commander chuckled and kissed her head. "Goodnight, Juls."

"Goodnight, Greg."


	15. Chapter 15

**The Past**

The sound of Abby's music blaring in the lab reached Tony as the doors opened. He smiled. She was feeling better. It had been just over a month since Tim was hurt and he was still out on leave. During that time Abby had struggled with not having her Timmy there. She had wanted to see him the past few weeks but they were slammed with a major case and she wasn't able to get away from work at a reasonable enough hour to visit. Until yesterday, when Gibbs made her leave early, telling her she needed time with Tim.

_Looks like he was right, _Tony thought as he entered the lab. _As always._

"What have you got, Abs?"

The forensic scientist turned from her computer and looked at him. "I don't have anything yet, Tony," she replied. "Still running prints on that bag you guys found. So far nothing has come up."

"Oh," Tony said. He'd come all the way down here on a whim, only to find there was no reason for it. "Well, I'll just head back up to the bullpen then."

"You know Tony," Abby said, turning her body to more fully face him. "You've seemed a little off lately."

"Have I? I didn't even notice."

That was a lie. He had been off his game, but he wasn't about to admit it.

"It's okay to be worried, Tony."

"Worried? What could I possibly be worried about? Unless you're referring to the ridiculous amount of work I have been forced to deal with since McGee decided to take an extended holiday. Not to mention the fact that his temp is more incompetent than just about any temp I have ever met in my life. I mean, how the heck did Jones even become and Agent? And then there's the fact that I have to call IT every time my computer goes on the fritz as opposed to just having Tim walk five steps and fix it for me."

When Tony finished his spiel, Abby went to him and gave him a hug. "I miss him, too," she said.

Tony hugged her back and sighed. "There's no fooling you, is there?"

"None at all." She pulled back and smiled at him. "Don't worry; Tim will be back in no time. We've already made it a month without him, just two more to go."

"Right," Tony replied, though Abby could tell he was still feeling a little glum. She thought of something that might cheer him up.

"So I've been thinking about that girl Tim was talking about, the one he dated in college."

"Yeah, what about her?"

"Well I was thinking, Tim gets shot and nearly dies, and who is it that he thinks about, the person he calls for? Lissy. And then I thought, 'If she's that important to Tim then maybe he still has feelings for her.' Which made me think, 'What if we tracked her down for Tim?' I mean, if she's still single then maybe they can try and make it work again, and if not then at least he won't have to spend any more time wondering, you know?"

"So what you're saying is you're curious about her and since Tim probably won't tell you about her you'll just look her up yourself, is that right?"

"Jeez Tony, don't sugar coat it or anything." Abby turned back to her computer. "I was able to access the University's database and I've been searching for all entries with the name 'Lissy'. The search is almost done and I _was_ going to invite you to stay for the results, but if you don't want to..."

"Are you kidding? It's McGeek's personal life that he never talks about. Of course I want to stay."

Tony moved to stand next to Abby and they waited as the search finished.

"Alright," she said as she began sifting through everything. "Ah ha! There she is. Lissy Brewer, Library Assistant. Looks like she was in the same year as Tim."

They pulled up a picture of Lissy and marveled at how beautiful she was.

"_She_ dated McGee?" Tony asked incredulously. "Really?"

Abby pulled up another photo containing several people participating in some kind of science convention. Lissy and Tim were pictured standing next to each other, handing out brochures.

"Aw," Abby said. "They're cute." She clicked through more pictures from other events and found Tim present in most of the pictures of Lissy. The pictures spanned from November of Tim's first year through to his final year at Johns Hopkins.

"I wonder what happened," Tony thought aloud. It had to have been the longest relationship Tim had ever been in. Tony could not remember any of Tim's relationships ever lasting more than six months. These two had been together for years.

"Me too," Abby said. She clicked on a link that brought her to the school paper's archived articles. She clicked an article that Lissy's name was featured in and was surprised to find a professional picture of Tim and Lissy. The picture's caption listed the two as being engaged.

"No way," Tony said. He read the article. Apparently Lissy had won some major award, and the article had been a kind of biography about her. At the end of the article it stated she and her fiance Timothy McGee would be married at the end of the school year.

"Tim was engaged?" Abby said, astounded. "He never said anything..."

"What have you got, Abs?"

Abby and Tony jumped as Gibbs entered the room.

"Um, nothing to report Gibbs," Abby said quickly. "Still running the prints from the bag. No hits yet."

Gibbs looked at the two of them questioningly. "Am I interrupting something?" he asked.

"Nope, nothing at all, Boss," Tony replied. But, as usual, Gibbs wasn't fooled.

The Lead Agent motioned is head towards the computer screen. "Is that the girl?"

Tony and Abby looked at the screen. The picture of Tim and Lissy was still displayed. Knowing they had been caught, they nodded.

"Meet Lissy Brewer," Abby said. "Tim's college girlfriend." She paused. "And...fiance."

"Fiance?" Gibbs asked. Apparently he didn't know about it either.

"From what we can figure," Tony said, going on as if they had just discovered new information on one of their cases, "Tim and Lissy were dating for several years starting when they were college freshmen up through their last year. This article says they were going to be married at the end of the school year."

"Were they?" Gibbs asked.

Tony and Abby took that as permission to continue their personal investigation. Gibbs was probably just as curious as they were about Tim's mystery girl.

Abby typed away on the computer, searching the public records archive for a marriage license.

"No marriage information in the public records," she said but continued to search. "It's possible they were married somewhere else though. Let me see if there were any announcements in the local papers about the wedding."

She searched the papers for Tim and Lissy's names. A front page article about a car crash involving a drunk driver was the only result. Abby clicked the link and a picture of the crash came up, both cars showing severe, possibly deadly damage.

"There were three people involved," Abby said as she skimmed through the article. "The impact killed the drivers of both cars and left the passenger of the vehicle that was hit in critical condition." She read the names of the people involved and her heart sank.

"Oh no," she said, her voice a little strained as she tried not to let her emotions get the best of her.

"Tim?" Gibbs asked.

Abby nodded. "Lissy was the one driving the car when they were hit. She was killed on impact and the other driver died en route to the hospital." She continued to read. "Tim and Lissy were going to be married that next week."

Silence fell over the small group. None of them knew what to say. They never would have imagined Tim having such a tragedy in his past. He never mentioned it, never hinted at it.

"Poor Timmy," Abby finally said. "I never knew."

"None of us did," Tony said solemnly. Suddenly he viewed the younger agent in a different light. He'd been through so much, and yet he managed to accomplish so much and become the man he was. Tony didn't know how well he would have bounced back from that if it had been him.

Gibbs leaned over and hit a key, exiting out of the search and erasing what they had found. Abby and Tony looked at him.

"What do we do, Gibbs?"

"What do you mean, Abs?"

"Well, we know what happened now. Do we just pretend we don't know? I mean, I don't want to sound dramatic or judgmental, because I'm not, but this changes things, doesn't it?"

Gibbs thought for a moment before answering.

"You don't _have_ to do anything, Abs. None of us do. We could just pretend we didn't find out and go on with everything like nothing has changed. Our knowing won't change our opinion of Tim as an agent." He paused. "But, you're right, it does change things."

He turned and walked away. "Let me know when you get a match on those prints, Abs," he said as he walked out the door.

"Do you think we should do something, Tony?" Abby asked.

"Gibbs is right," Tony said. "We are under no obligation to say anything to him about it." He looked at her. "How was Tim yesterday when you saw him?"

"He was doing fine as far as I could tell. Why?"

"I'm thinking it's time I paid him a visit. Haven't seen him since he was released; got to make sure he knows I'm still alive and keeping track of how much he owes me for putting up with his absence, right?"

Abby smiled. "I'm sure he'd be happy to see you."


	16. Epilogue

_Author's Note: Thank you __earthdragon_ _ for requesting this epilogue. I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to add another chapter or not, so I'm glad you said something. I also feel more satisfied with this ending than what I originally had._

_Thank you all for reading and for your reviews! :)_

**The Cemetery - Epilogue**

There was a slight overcast as Tim made his way through the various grave markers. The weather forecast had predicted heavy rainfall in the area but Tim didn't care. He would be returning to work the next day and knew this would be his last chance to make a trip like this for at least a couple of weeks. It really didn't matter if he went today or in two weeks, but he knew that if he waited he would just talk himself out of it and put it off longer, and he'd been putting it off long enough.

At first he wasn't able to find it and wondered if the cemetery attendant had given him the correct plot information. But just as he was about to turn back he saw it, next to a large oak tree.

_Lissy Brewer_

_ Beloved daughter and friend_

_ She will be missed_

Tim stared at the headstone, uncertain of what to say or do. After the accident he had been to weak to leave the hospital and attend the funeral. He kept telling himself that he would visit her grave, that he would pay his respects. He owed her that much. Upon leaving the hospital however he found that the sting of the loss was still too close to his heart and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even if the pain hadn't been present, there was the issue of his guilt. He'd been blaming himself for Lissy's death for years, even if he didn't know it. But it was time to let it go.

Over the past few months while he'd been recuperating Tim was finally able to recall everything that had happened to him "in between" and it was this recollection that brought him here. Seeing Lissy, knowing that she held no malice towards him for her death, that she still loved him, it was enough to bring him to the place of her rest and find the closure he needed to say goodbye.

"Hey Lissy," he said quietly. He imagined her voice, accusing him of being late and he smiled. "Sorry about that."

He sighed, trying to think of what to say.

"It was good seeing you, back when I got hurt. I don't think I would have had the strength to get back without you. So thank you for that."

_You had the strength, you just needed to be reminded._ Another imagined response.

"I guess you're right, as usual."

A slight breeze picked up and he turned up the collar on his jacket. The last thing he needed was to get sick just before coming back to work. Tony would have a field day with that.

"I think he knows by the way," Tim said. "Tony I mean. He came to see me a couple of months ago and after making his usual wise cracks he was quiet for a minute and then said, 'If you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm here for you.' It seemed so out of character for him that I wasn't sure if I believed him or if he was trying to be funny. But then I looked at him and I could see his sincerity. He's stopped by a couple of times since then and it's like something has changed. At first I thought maybe it was because I got shot and he was still worried but that's not how Tony deals with worry. He either lashes out or he makes a joke out of everything. Lately though it's like we're actually friends. I mean, I always thought we were friends, but it actually _felt_ like it, you know?

"Which leads me to believe he found out about you and the accident. I'm guessing he had some help, too. Neither one of them have said anything about it though, which I'm grateful for. Maybe someday I'll sit down and talk to them about it, but I think I need to get my closure first."

He sighed.

"I love you, Lissy. I always have and I always will, but I need to move on. I know that's what you'd want me to do."

He crouched down and touched the headstone.

"Goodbye."

He stood and took a breath.

"Timothy McGee?"

Tim turned and found an older woman standing there with a bouquet of flowers. At first he wasn't sure who it was, but recognition dawned on him, and he smiled.

"Mrs. Brewer," he said.

"Oh, it's so good to see you, sweetie!" she exclaimed wrapping her arms around him tightly. "It's been so long!"

"Too long," he replied as they pulled away.

"How have you been? What are you doing with your life?"

"I"m good. I'm a federal agent now."

"A federal agent! That's quite impressive. Must be a trying job."

_You have no idea,_ he thought, but told her, "I manage."

"How are your parents and Sarah?"

"All doing well. Sarah's studying at the university and mom and dad are both working."

"How are things with your father? Have they gotten any better?"

Tim laughed. Mrs. Brewer always wanted to know everything about every aspect of your life. She wasn't a gossiper by any means, she just liked to know those things. While she was very inquisitive she also knew when to back off.

"Things are going pretty well. Still a little rocky, but it's much better."

"Good, good, I'm glad to hear it."

She looked down at her daughter's headstone and a silence fell between them. She knelt down and laid the flowers on the stone.

"I can't believe it's been so long. Jack and I used to come visit her grave once a month, but then we moved and it became more difficult to make the trip up. I haven't been here in three years."

"How is your husband?" Tim asked, changing the subject.

Mrs. Brewer smiled sadly. "He's gone I'm afraid, two years next month."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It was his time to go. Besides, he gets to be with his little girl, and that brings me comfort."

Tim smiled. Lissy had always been a daddy's girl. Her relationship with him was something Tim had envied and it had been a major aspect when deciding to propose to her. He knew how close the two of them were, and he wanted to be sure that Mr. Brewer fully approved of him before he tried to "steal away" his little girl.

"So are you visiting the area?" Tim asked.

"I actually just moved back. I was having a hard time taking care of things by myself, and while I had a few friends there it just never really felt like home. So, here I am, back to the place of my roots. Besides, Rebecca lives here still and after losing Jack it will be nice to have family around again."

"I didn't know Rebecca was still here," Tim said. "Didn't she go of to Princeton or somewhere like that?"

"She did, but she came back here after getting her degree. She's teaching English at the community college." Mrs. Brewer paused. "You should come by and see her. I know you haven't seen her since the Christmas before the accident, but she really thought highly of you."

"I don't know..."

"I'm not saying right now, but sometime soon. She and Lissy were close growing up, as close as sisters could be without being the same person. She'd love to see you."

Tim thought about it.

"Maybe I'll stop by sometime," he finally said.

Mrs. Brewer grinned ear to ear. "Good," she said. She jotted something down on a piece of paper she pulled from her purse and then handed it to Tim. "This is the number for the main house. The two of us have cell phones but heaven knows I'm still trying to figure out how it works, and I don't have her number off the top of my head. Give us a call; we'll arrange a dinner date or something."

Tim took the paper and smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. Brewer." There was a clap of thunder, not too loud but it sounded rather close. "Looks like the rain is coming," he observed. "Do you need a ride home?"

"My friend Eloise brought me." Mrs. Brewer turned and motioned towards a silver car parked just a few feet from Tim's car. "But thank you for the offer."

The two of them walked over to Eloise's car, chatting a little about days past and the good times they used to have. When they reached the car, Mrs. Brewer gave Tim another hug.

"It was so good to see you," she said. She pulled back and Tim saw her eyes were glistening. He noticed his own eyes felt a little wet. "Don't be a stranger."

"I won't," he assured her. They said their goodbyes and Tim watched as Mrs. Brewer and Eloise drover away.

The rain started to come down as he closed his car door. He sat a moment, his eyes fixed on the spot where she was buried. For the first time in years he could feel the peace and contentment he longed for after the accident. He still missed her, and it still made him sad to think about, but he knew he was going to be okay.

He turned on the ignition and began the drive back to D.C.


End file.
